 The
I Love You Virus Joke
THE I LOVE YOU VIRUS
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring
of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service,
we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and
how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades
your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so
obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer
function.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer,
but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that
it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think
it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting
excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer,
dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its
hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime.
But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and
stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating
with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers
from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long
time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really
just interested in playing with your computer's data.
- The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer
on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read
messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But
it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data
in an ugly network session.
- The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to
your computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring
your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying
to record its most intimate functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely
on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an
entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
- The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions
that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that
never does anything except monitor espn.com.
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